I am proud to say that I knew Elvis as good as I knew my Uncle Benny.
In Elvis’s younger years, he did come from time to time to see his mother’s side of the family, of which two cousins lived there in Glade Hollow. This was part of our valley where I lived as a child in Tennessee. It’s about 100 miles north of Memphis.
As young as I was when I first met Elvis, I knew him as a good, kind man, just like Uncle Benny. Mama use to tell me that Elvis knew me before I was born. Seems Elvis use to thump Mama’s belly and say, “It ain’t ripe yet!”
You know, I might have just figured out the reason why I act the way I do. I know those of you who read this on a regular basis on Saturdays remember how many times I’ve been hit in the head.
That’s not the problem. It’s Elvis. It’s all his fault. Me as a fetus, I was abused by Elvis. That all just popped into my head at this very moment, and that’s proof in itself. Why would anybody at a moment like this start writing about Elvis thumping his mother’s belly when she was pregnant? You have to have a problem — that being brain damage, by the thumping finger of Elvis. On me, the fetus.
When Elvis was thumping my mama’s belly, the concussion of his thumping finger created brain damage. You see, I was messed up way before birth. So therefore, I think I should get a pass on the foolishness of my younger years. I should be forgiven, because I almost didn’t know any better.
I can’t take all the blame. It only makes sense. You don’t stick your finger in your own eye. It will make you cry and there are enough things that will make you cry in life. I know, boo-hoo.
It also just popped into my head I might just have a lawsuit here. I just wonder if I could sue after all these years. I don’t know why not. I just now realized that Elvis is the reason for my diminished reasoning faculties. Well, that’s going to have to be another story, but I will keep you informed.
This will be my first evidence in my quest to get disability for my problems that Elvis created. I’m ready for that check every month. Now that you have taken the time to read this, you are my witness. Let’s get ready to party. Sounds good, but it would never happen for me.
I’m sorry to have gotten sidetracked here and felt the need to tell you about me being abused by you-know-who when I was a fetus. It happened and I can drop it. So to those of you who thought I was going to sue Elvis, it’s not true. Never will happen, for as a child I did look upon him as a king — that’s right, “The King.”
You know, almost every tree in our valley had Elvis’ initials on it. It was sad, just about all them little girls had carved E.A.P. plus their own initials below in them trees. It was plumb sickening, even for a child.
Even at 5 years old, I knew what pretty was and I’m here to tell you, there is no way that Elvis P. was going to put his initials on a tree with Paula Hogg. It was not going to happen because she did have a pushed-in nose, just like a boar hog. Perfect name — everything fit, and I knew this at 5 years old.
Got sidetracked again — you see, that brain damage came back. I cannot be held at fault for what I write, you see right here I’ve got problems.
Now back to Elvis and Uncle Benny. It was about the first part of 1958 when Elvis and Uncle Benny went to Union City and talked to an Army recruiter. Seems at that time, Uncle Benny had got out after his hitch with the Marine Corps. Uncle Benny was a bit older than Elvis. The bug was in both to go Europe.
Both were sent to Memphis for testing, and they were to get their wish. In March of 1958, they were sent to Fort Hood, Texas, where they were assigned to Company B, 2nd Medium Tank Battalion of the 37th Armor where they received their training.
It would be in October of 1958 when they would go to Germany. While in Germany, they were assigned to the 1st Battalion, 32nd Armor at Friedburg, Germany.
This would be where these good Southern boys went bad. They had gotten mixed up with some Germans who were no good. They were part of what was called the “black market.” Things were real bad for the German people after the war. There was not a lot of anything for the regular people that was of quality. The Americans had gooood stuff, and it went for a heavy price. Supply and demand. Big demand, little supply.
It was not that Elvis and Uncle Benny wanted any part of this; they were in need of female companionship and the frauleins were there. One of the civilians who worked on base had introduced Elvis and Uncle Benny to his two cousins.
Hooked, gutted, filleted and put on the plate to be feasted on. I’m talking about two hillbilly boys from Memphis, Tennessee. Blonde-haired, blue-eyed girls, this got the best of them. Most of the women in our valley were dark, this was due to the fact that most of the people were American Indian or mixed up real good. Still proud people, then and now.
Well, the daddy of one of the girls wanted Elvis to get him a case of C-rats (military canned food). Elvis had no luck. Uncle Benny did, kind of.
See, the supply sergeant was friends with Benny. One problem, the sergeant could not give him just one case. Benny had to take a pallet. That’s 48 cases, or about 580 meals.
Benny’s question: Why so many? Supply sergeant’s reply: I can’t split a pallet. Benny’s reply: I’ll take em.
Provost marshals (military police) reply: We’ll take you — and they did.
They took him to the stockade (military prison). He got about 3 months. He went to jail in about December of 1959. As it worked out, Benny got out of the stockade in time to come home with Elvis. I think they got out of the Army in about March of 1960.
And them pretty blonde, blue-eyed German girls, as it turned out, were German undercover police helping to stop the theft of military goods. Uncle Benny never did tell on Elvis, he looked after Elvis. He did not want to destroy Elvis’s career in show business.
Most of you might not know this, but Elvis made it big. I’m talking about he hit the big time. You see, you might not know all of this because of the fact that I knew Elvis as well as I did and as long as I did. He was almost like family. I even remember when he got married to Prissy — that was not her real name, that’s just what we called her. Because she was so prissy.
I remember going to their house in Memphis — boy, it was big. That would have been in about 1967. On his towel was embroidered E.A.P. in big blue letters, and hers had P. B. P. in big pink letters. It sure was something to see for this little old country boy.
They got married in Las Vegas. You see, it all worked out well because Elvis’s job in show business had carried him there. Yep, that carnival that Elvis worked with went everywhere. Elvis ran the tilt-a-whirl. When he was in town or close enough, he gave me free rides on that tilt-a-whirl. That’s the truth and I stand by it.
You know, something just popped into my head, my brain-damaged head. You know, when Elvis damaged me by thumping my mama’s belly when she was with child, I know you all did not think I was talking about Elvis Aaron Presley and Priscilla Beaulieu Presley.
I was talking about Elvis Andy Parker and Pat Brown Parker. Now, if you all have the nerve to think that I‘m brain-damaged, you better step back and take a long, hard look at your own head.
Elvis Presley and Elvis Parker — now, how could you get those two mixed up? That makes me wonder about people. I stopped wondering about me along time ago.
In closing, if you can’t take the time to poke a little fun at yourself from time to time, I do feel sorry for you. To be able to laugh at oneself is to live life to its fullest and be a human being.
May God bless us all, each and every one . Life is easy on no one. Laugh, laugh a lot, and see the humor in life rather than the hate.
Robert Lee is a concerned citizen and former U.S. Marine who owns and operates Rockingham Guns and Ammo. His column appears here each Saturday.