It is a New Year!

Every year has advantages and disadvantages. Maybe a new job, a divorce, the birth of a child, graduation from high school, the best vacation ever, recovery from an illness, or a death in the family occurred in your life last year. How are you dealing with the sad or unfortunate occurrences in your life?

The most difficult of these events is death as it is so final. Sometimes the ups and downs of life offer new opportunities, but death ends an existence. How do we live without that person being here? I spend 63 years with my spouse who passed on December 22 of 2022.

I wake up in the morning and he is not here. He is not present in his chair. The house is full of stuff, but it is empty. Two days till Christmas — What do I do? Grown children are here I can’t bring them down with sadness. They are very attentive and say, “Dad is in a better place and more comfortable.”

I guess so but for some reason, I cannot look at it like that. You sit and cry and feel miserable. You look around the room and everything is a reminder that he is gone.

I cannot accept this. Move things. Change the appearance. The children are staying for several days and helped me rearrange pieces of furniture. It helped a little.

Then it was time for the children to go back to their homes. At least no one will see me crying every day when I just can’t stand it. What do I do now — Many things must be taken care of.

I ordered a memorial box to put the ashes in. I had people to notify and other legal matters. Lots to do so I make lists. Obligations everywhere. One thing at a time. There is a sense of relief when the items are checked off the list, which took months to complete.

Everyone offered condolences for my loss. I was locked into obligations as part of my job an online adjunct instructor for a university. I had to facilitate student learning. That required me to think about something else other than missing someone who would not be back.

I have written a monthly newsletter since 2016 for high school classmates who I graduated with in 1958. Between managing my online class and checking emails for news to add to the Class of ’58 letter, I stayed busy and did not have as much time to grieve.

On many nights, I tried to not go to bed until I was tired enough to go to sleep without thinking. I finally would begin to lay down and say, “Lord let me sleep.” Waking up in the morning was sometimes troublesome. I would convince myself there was no reason to get up. Then I remembered obligations and I would get up.

Friends and relatives would call, send cards, or visit but it didn’t erase the pain. By the second month, I realized I either had to get better or give up. Giving up was never my choice for anything so I signed up for 12 weeks of cardiac therapy. The interaction with about 15 other people was interesting and quite helpful. I went from resenting being there to – “Hey, how are you today? Good to see you.” I lost 5 pounds and 2 inches in my waist. I thanked the therapist for putting up with my bad attitude.

I backslid some and the month of May rolled around. Some classmates at Manatee County High School in Bradenton, Florida, reminded me this was our 65th year after graduation and we needed a reunion. Since we were all in the 82-84 age range, it could be our last big get together.

I wrote about the request in the newsletter, and I received emails from two classmates stating they would help plan the event. I was unanimously put in charge of making the 65th reunion take place. This was no easy task and became quite time consuming and complicated. We shared thoughts and information via emails. All of my current tasks and planning this event consumed most of my time and I had less time to grieve.

By July, I was welcoming the distractions as it felt better to not feel sad. Other people had given me something to look forward to. Many classmates offered condolences while sharing what they had gone through losing their spouses. I wasn’t alone. The Reunion was planned for October 31 to November 2.

My daughter helped me drive to Florida. This too brought back memories of when and where I had met my husband in 1956. We were in high school together and my senior year, he was in the Navy. The town had changed a lot but some landmarks were still there. The first evening at the Meet & Greet was amazing. There were 34 people who enjoyed appetizers and drinks while talking for hours. A few shared how they had survived losing loved ones. I went away feeling a little younger than when I left Rockingham to attend this event.

Then November 2023 arrived with family and Thanksgiving. After that was Christmas. My spouse left the earth just a year earlier.

What do I do? I can refuse to do anything and that could dampen the family’s attitudes. I did not want that. I must participate, but change things so it won’t remind me that my spouse is missing.

I set the tree in a different place and decorated the house in a different way. Everyone was happy and remembered dad and grandpa with Remembrance Candles I had bought. I also decided to focus on me. It was my birthday which I rarely celebrated because it was Christmas, and it was the birth of Jesus, which I felt was more important than my birthday. I sometimes asked myself if it was right to feel better. Was it right to fall asleep without crying? I could think about my spouse and realize he was in less pain and frustration having become dependent on us for his care. I also decided it was okay to do things I wanted to do. I realized for the first time in my life I was not responsible for anyone but myself.

Despite all I had been through, the year ended well. It had begun with clinical depression and contemplation of suicide. I made myself function for others and realized that I had a lot to offer other people. God still has me here so there must be things he wants me to do.

I bought a book, “The Gift of Heaven”, by Charles F. Stanley which gives me hope that I will see my husband again and he won’t have Parkinson’s this time.

We plan everything except death which is inevitable. We must believe it can only be better on the other side. If you give up, think about the people you know that will be hurt if they lose you.