If President Trump still wants a parade so desperately, maybe he could settle for the parade of clowns he has surrounded himself with during this circus of an administration.
The sideshow possibilities are endless! Everyone loves medical oddities, right? SEE the amazing Sarah Huckabee Sanders speak with a forked tongue! SEE congressional Republicans walk without a spine! SMELL the torched bridges of Omorosa. FEEL the bus wheels roll over Trump as Michael Cohen demonstrates why the caged bird sings. (Spoiler alert: It’s to save his ass.)
But, wait, there’s more! HEAR Scaramucci want to put you into a late-model Chevy Equinox TODAY! SEE Betsy DeVos try to maintain her most earnest “I care!” face while plotting the destruction of America’s public-education system. HEAR not much of anything lately from HUD Secretary Dr. Ben Carson. Hey! Somebody get in there and wake him up. These solid gold rolling dry-erase boards aren’t going to just buy themselves now, are they?
TASTE the dish best served cold — no, not banana pudding — I’m talking about revenge, served up by Trump to the nation’s highest-ranking intelligence officers after they implied he had the integrity and intellectual capacity of jackfruit.
The best part of this version of a Trump parade is that most of the participants are already on the payroll or in jail, so this won’t come near the estimated $92 million quoted for Trump’s planned egopalooza.
That price tag, of course, is why it was scuttled. There was just no way even Trump could rationalize spending $92 million on a parade honoring the military (well, ostensibly) when at least 23,000 military families rely on food stamps.
You’re probably sad that Dear Leader is disappointed, but don’t be. As soon as the parade was postponed (yes, not canceled), he immediately announced he would fly to Paris to see THEIR parade.
Jesus, take the wheel.
It’s hard to be a thinking, reasonably woke American these days. He followed his Paris plans with an exuberant tweet: “Now we can buy some more jet fighters!”
OK, see food stamps mention above but, sure. Go get you some new fightin’ planes, GI D’oh.
Trump has approached this parade business using the kind of voodoo economics often employed by someone close to me. OK, me.
Which is: “I saved all this money not buying the professional gas range with sauce burner I have been dreaming about, so now I can afford to buy a new wardrobe/fleet of robotic vacuums/laser hair removal. …”
In other words, none of it makes any practical sense. The parade is only the second-dumbest Trump fantasy to surface in this lunatic administration. Because who can forget … Space Force?
Pence is super excited about Space Force because Trump told him he was. Big parades. Fighting wars in space. Trump’s goals for his administration sound more like themes a parent might jot down when planning a first-grader’s birthday party.
I’m in if there’s a Stephen Miller pinata. Now that would be some fun.
Celia Rivenbark is a New York Times best-selling author and humor columnist who frequently writes about politics. Contact her at www.celiarivenbark.com. Tribune News Service distributes her column.