Odyssey fever is sweeping America. Matt Damon, Anne Hathaway, Tom Holland, Zendaya — what’s not to get excited about? These are huge stars taking on a massive story — calling it epic isn’t overstating it.
The last time I remember seeing The Odyssey was a NBC mini series in ‘97 starring Armand Assante and Greta Scacci. I loved it. Vanessa Williams as Calypso? (*chef’s kiss*) Perfection.
But with director Christopher Nolan’s version hitting the big screen, I decided now would be a good time to refresh myself upon the original source material. After all, I hadn’t read The Odyssey since high school.
I was not disappointed.
The Odyssey is the greatest epic poem ever written about a man who would literally rather fight a multi-headed cave monster than ask for directions. (And I don’t want to hear anything about spoilers here — it’s been published for something like 3,000 years.)
We’ve all been trapped in a bad commute. You hit some construction, the GPS reroutes you, and suddenly a 20 minute drive takes an hour. It’s frustrating. But Ithaca’s King Odysseus takes the crown for the worst navigation in human history.
His journey home from the Trojan War took ten years. Ten. Years. For context, Google Maps says you can walk from Troy to Ithaca in about two weeks. Even accounting for bronze sandals and heavy bronze armor, Odysseus was operating on a level of directional incompetence that defies modern science.
To be fair, the guy didn’t have a smartphone. What he did have was an inflated ego and a crew of absolute absolute liabilities. Every time Odysseus manages to secure a win, his crew finds a way to ruin it. At one point, the god of the winds hands them a bag containing all the stormy weather in the world, ensuring them all smooth sailing home. It’s a literal “do not open” package. Odysseus falls asleep for five minutes, and his crew immediately tears it open because they think it contains gold.
Then there are the monsters. If The Odyssey teaches us anything, it’s that the ancient Mediterranean was just a gauntlet of terrible dinner guests. You’ve got Polyphemus, a giant Cyclops who eats Odysseus’s friends like they’re mozzarella sticks. Odysseus escapes by telling the monster his name is “Nobody,” which is a solid dad joke, but then he ruins the stealth escape by screaming his real name and address from his getaway boat. It’s the ultimate toxic masculinity flex: “Yeah, I blinded you! I’m Odysseus! Leave a review on Yelp!”
Let’s not forget the Sirens. These are creatures that lure sailors to their deaths with beautiful songs. Odysseus wants to hear the music but doesn’t want to die, so he has his crew tie him to the mast while they stuff their own ears with beeswax. Imagine your boss demanding you tie him to a flagpole so he can listen to a killer playlist while you do all the heavy rowing.
While Odysseus is out living his best life getting kidnapped by beautiful nymphs like Calypso—who keeps him trapped on an island for seven years in what must have been a very stressful vacation — his wife, Penelope, is running the ultimate scam back home. Dozens of terrible suitors have moved into her palace, eating all her food and waiting for her to pick a new husband. She tells them she will choose someone as soon as she finishes weaving a burial shroud. Every night, she secretly unpicks the shroud. For three years, nobody notices. The suitors are so dim-witted they don’t realize the rug hasn’t grown an inch.
When Odysseus finally shows up, disguised as a beggar, he enters an archery contest to win his own wife back. He wins, drops the disguise, and goes full John Wick on the suitors. It’s a happy ending, assuming your idea of marital bliss involves cleaning a decade’s worth of suitor blood off your living room rug.
Ultimately, whether it’s the book, Armand Assante or Matt Damon, The Odyssey is a timeless masterpiece. It proves that no matter how advanced human civilization becomes, we will always love stories about terrible road trips, bad decisions, and men who refuse to check the map.
I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.