For many, the holidays are a time for celebration, cooking, traveling and shopping.

But for those who have recently lost a loved one, it can be an incredibly difficult time of the year.

“People have a natural reaction to grief and will try and avoid the holidays, or shy away from them,” said Colin Shaw, bereavement and spiritual support coordinator for Hospice of Richmond and Anson Counties.

To help those who have suffered a loss, hospice always holds a holiday grief workshop, inviting the families of those hospice patients who died during the year.

“We try and give them a comforting atmosphere and warm, comforting drinks and food to get them to relax a bit and start talking about what grief is about and how to handle it,” Shaw said. “Just because you’re grieving doesn’t mean the holidays go away.”

“They can hide from it all or accept it’s going to happen and by participating in it they can still honor the ones they love.”

Shaw said there are many ways to remember a loved one during the holidays including sharing memories with families and friends, serving their favorite dish during Thanksgiving and Christmas, etc.

He said the most important thing for people to do is to try and de-stress.

“Don’t try to do everything,” Shaw said. “Make a checklist and look at what you can reasonably do. Don’t take on more than you can handle. You can change things and still honor tradition, but be aware of people’s limitations.”

Shaw said often, when a loved on dies, the individual or family left behind will try and do everything the way they did before, and that’s not always practical, or the best way to manage the grief.

He also said it’s important to keep the children included in the grief process.

“There’s always the question of do we ignore talking about it around them or do we explain it to them,” Shaw said. “But to honor their memory, let the children help in baking and decorating ... and one of the things we do is teach them about making special ornaments and writing a special message to their loved one to hang on the tree. So every year they make a new one and there’s a special ornament for your loved on. The message will change every year, but you’re sill celebrating your loved one.”

Shaw said another good idea is to have a family candlelight memorial service. Have the family gather around with several candles and as each candle is lit, share a memory or message for the loved one.

“Quite often they’ll tear up, but that’s to be expected, you’re expressing from your soul what you want to say to your loved one and those messages are very powerful,” Shaw said. “It helps a lot.”

Shaw said what he teaches in his workshops is hands-on ways of coping, like the ornaments and candlelight memorials. He also helps them handle making plans.

“Don’t plan too much and not too far ahead,” Shaw said. “Plan for this holiday season because next year will be different. Don’t try to do too much.”

Shaw said another good way to deal with grief is to put that grief to good use by helping other people.

“If we get so focussed in our grief, all we focus on is ourselves and become egocentric,” Shaw said. “But great happiness can be found in helping other people. Donate to Toys for Tots, work in the soup kitchen, get the kids to bake cookies for the rest home and visit the residents ... anything that you find will displace that grief and invest it into something positive makes you feel better.”

He said he also provides families with a check list so they can prioritize what’s important to them — what they can do, what they want help with, and what they might just want to scratch off the list for this year.

“You can skip the holidays,” Shaw said. “But why not celebrate it in a way that’s meaningful this year and go from there. A lot of people hurt during the holidays and you don’t want them to push it away because there’s so much love and so many memories and you want them to participate in a meaningful way.”

Shaw said hospice holds a candlelight vigil every year for hospice patients who died that year. This year the vigil will take place in Hamlet. Every family is invited, as well as members of the community, congregation and hospice staff. There are two tables by the altar with votive candles with the names of the deceased. There is a regular worship service, then the individual names are called and families that are present are invited up to light their loved one’s candle, and if no one is there, a hospice nurse or aide will light the candle so no one is forgotten.

At the end of the service the candles are extinguished and the families can take the candle of their loved one. The event is followed by a fellowship dinner giving families and staff members a time to reminisce and sometimes cry.

“It helps a lot with healing to honor people and not forget them,” Shaw said.

Shaw said hospice usually has 150 people who die throughout the year.

“And we make sure every one gets mentioned,” Shaw said.

He said hospice is doing a lot more to provide the same sort of grief services for Anson county as well.

“Holidays are rough and we don’t want people to forget,” Shaw said. “Everyone gets so excited with their families there, the presents, cards, phone calls, but for some people that are grieving, especially once the excitement wears down mid January, that’s when a lot of people come down off that excitement and it can be emotionally difficult. That’s a time for people to be sensitive for that. Send cards, call, and be aware that that’s a time people tend to grieve. Be sensitive to that. After it’s all over, they have a feeling of emptiness and depression and we want to take care of them then, too.”

n Staff writer Eren Tataragasi can be reached at (910) 997-3111 ext. 19 or at etataragasi@yourdailyjournal.com.